No One Besides Me

I always look at my right side anywhere! Whether it's in a jeepney, church, or even at work... Anywhere you can imagine, of course not in the places you need to be alone.. I am always alone. Like 70% of the time, I'm like nobody besides me. At my left sometimes but I don't care. It's maybe just me. I don't smell bad, or look scary enough to not sit besides me.

At work, most of the time, I sit no one besides me. I'm in a hurry to look for a station because I don't want to be late. In a jeepney, I sit beside in a big space due to fact I'm quite tall so I need to be free to move. Unless if there is no other jeepney available, I need to squeeze myself. 

Eating dinner for example, or lunch if I'm at work..  I go alone, find a food joint and sit in a vacant table set. I wonder, while I'm eating, I hope I could speak or talk with somebody about how's my day going, gossips, or anything.. But seems, I'm such an introvert. 

At church, as mass is going on, no one besides me as well. Of course, when the worship time comes, and the place is jam packed, I have somebody besides me but I feel there is a wall on both sides. Maybe I'm focusing much at the program/worship than the people besides me. Unless hmmmmm She's cute. Just kidding!

I do have a lot of friends, close friends or special friends. Best friends.. But as you grow older, times change that you can't invite them all the time. They have other important things to do. I go to the malls, and most of the time, I'm alone.. Well sometimes I'm with Algerro but it's always him.. The rest of the trip due to his condition. Other than that, nothing else. Shopping, staring, walking alone in a cool crowded place. 

For these days, I know it's being an issue of me, being single, add that as my first impression that I'm a snub, or always feel bad, serious or simply thinking so much. Or I also feel insecure for what I look or wear or what they see. Damn.. As much I want to change it all the same time, I can't. But never change is when I'm approached then having a conversation, I'll go talking as much I can. If I got invited and I have nothing else to worry or to do, I join right away.

I do want to change that first impression, but I can't do it all the same time. I can do it bit by bit, one step at a time. Inside through outside of me. Inhibitions are such a bothersome for me, maybe because of my childhood or those days I look more unacceptable or untidy.. I became more timid or very shy. But as years goes by, I learned to overcome that but not completely. I'm still shy, no doubt about that, but I try my best to look the best each time. Intimidating is new to me, maybe because I always think and I forgot to smile while walking. But I love to laugh, sometimes they call me I can have someone laugh effortlessly. Geez, I wish I could do that way before! I also thought of my voice, I have a very deep or a bass voice which others quite scared at it. Others say they thought I'm a dubber, meaning a voice talent in a certain show. Or others, DJ! I wish! But well, others just don't understand my voice. Even customers, TL's or QA's, I tried to be pitchy but it's not really me. 

Anyhow, as I get older, I'll make sure to look cheery or happy or stay what I am, as they say, I look a person who has no problems. I think that the latter one is great. Be conscious only outside but not inside. 

I'll do everything, and the best I can to make sure.. Next time when I go out, I have someone at least just one person, besides me.

Always.