A Prodigal Son

One of the beloved and well known parables in the bible. A very long gospel which endears me most especially at times that I kinda slip due to my sins.. Di ko akalain, sa dami ng parables na gusto ko basahin or memorize, eto yun parang tumitigil ang mundo ko or it always giving me fits... Kung baga, parang, mapapaisip at mararamdaman mo na talagang mahal ka ni God. 

I admit that I'm a sinful person, for the past long years.. Pero masasabi ko naman na nagbago ako paunti unti nga lang. hehe Hatred was gone. A bit of alcoholic eh wala na, not drink or sip an alcohol for like 4 years. hahaha Pwede naman sa inom pero depende kung sino magyaya, but definitely, just few bottles I'm done. I'm more optimistic than pessimist. Unlike before na baligtad. I'm more understanding, lalo na sa mga taong nakapaligid sa kin. I feel more relaxed despite immense pressure or stress. Yes.. A bit change sa health but still, I'm far behind being healthy. hehe 

But despite those changes, I need to change more. Like the son did in the story, squandered inheritance in a far away land. I did waste something for the past years, my time and effort. I did not manage well the expectations. Kala ko kaya ko pero hindi pala.. Dagdag mo pa na yun iba, na I felt napagiwanan na. Sakto, the son felt that same way nung wala na siyang makain. Said to himself, na mabuti pa yun mga alagad ng tatay ko, di nauubusan ng pagkain at iba pa. Mas mabuti kung bumalik na lang ako and tell him I'm sorry and deny me as a son and make me one of your servants! It's hard to eat and swallow, pride, failures, disappointments tapos babalik ka sa Ama na tanggap na nagkamali ka at gusto mo magbago ulit.

Mahirap, kung ako ito, sa ngayon, parang pabalik pa lang ako sa Ama. Drained, confused and thirsty. Great thing that the Son was able to go back and given the finest robe at may fiesta pa na may masarap na baka! Wow. 

Samantala ako, I just got out from the mud and going back, in the right path. Yes, coming from that mud of sin, despair and exhaustion. For the past days, while listening to Fr. Bob's talk, I just felt I'm really that sinful. It means, the hardest part of conversion is now at hand. I just figure it out how to overcome them. Make to do some sacrifices such as define my value. Look for a work that not only makes money but ignites or envigorate passion.

Get out the old ways, forgive myself, learn to purify. Get away from JAV. =( Damn these stars... hehe Value the people around you more and became more patient. If I'm alone which I always feel these days... Pray na lang. Or talk to myself.. Look other ways to fill myself with love from Jesus. 
These difficult things, I felt that hindering me to grow further. That's why, I'm thankful for this holy week and yes, this story.. It reminds me that at the end of that long road, that hope and love, faith I learned always... I just need to stick with it. Stick with it every moment. Every moment.. 

I just realized, na kahit ganito ako, I still blessed and grateful. Got the opportunity to reached great accomplishments which I did not expect. Still got the things that I thought I'll get it later. haha Bad vibes or events were less up to this moment. And yes, I can sense na this is the high time, fulfill my commitment to serve Him. Pero di ko pa alam ang time, pero parang this year na. Simple serve lang muna. hehe

Indeed the Father in the story, as this year suggest by the church, gave full mercy to the prodigal son. Not only full mercy, but also love that gave the son meaning to himself and what it meant to go back. We don't know if this son really changed, or if he did amend with his older brother who complained such mercy. I don't care about those parts.. 

What I care was that very act of full mercy and love. The son was able to receive without even asking. 

That's the love of God. 

Siguro ang ending talaga nun, nasa state of shock yun anak. hehe Just staring at the feast at di pa din maka move on sa nangyari na ginawa ng tatay niya. 

Sa kin, siguro pag nangyari yun, I might fell down and cry very hard and embrace like forever.. 
My great father. Thank you.  =)

unplanned 69

Ha! Di ako susulat sa huli ng March. hehe Para maiba naman. Kakagaling ko lang sa party ni Lolo, at ang sarap ng lengua. hahaha 

Hmmmm I'm taking this short time to rest and move on to let's say, a new path for me. This will determine my future. I want to make sure, I don't want to go back and yes, taking my own path. Malalaman natin yan in the next weeks. I hope, there will be, progress.

Di ko alam, kung lahat eh excited sa BvS!!!! I am of course, fan ako ng Man of Steel at lalo ako naging excited kasi mukhang ok si Ben Affleck as Batman. Pag naka una ako, malamang, ireview ko agad di ba? 

I am breathing freely. No rush of sleeping early for tomorrow's work. It's the first time, that I'll be alone for a career. Di pala first time, kasi way back ePLDT days, ako pala nagdecide nun then the rest pala. hehe First time pala again for a long time, to take a different career path. 

Maganda ang takbo ng Alaska pero sana naman di ba mag finals sila. At manalo naman ng championship. hahaha NBA, hmmmm ano ba, paano kaya talunin yun GSW? Yun CLE ko, anak ng tinapa, parang masisilat pa sa playoffs!

What else, weird, ang init sa gabi, na dapat hindi. Wag mong sabihin ang summer eh all day hotness?! Geez. No kidding? Ano pa, yeah.. I'll open my FB and twitter most of the time. For social reasons? 

Next month eh Civil War at si spidey eh mukhang badet. Parang ang bright ng costume niya. Parang rush yun pagkalagay sa kanya. hahaha Pero grabe ang nilagay nilang cast, parang mini, super mini infinity war. Lugi nga si CAP dun, di ko alam, paano siya mananalo dun. hahaha But due to the trailers, and some plans, I think I have a reason why I need to watch it. Seriously.. Then siyempre, sunod mo pa yun XMEN and yes, the most interesting comic book film this year, Suicide Squad.. 

What else? Ah.... Yun lang muna, I don't want to tell more or write for now. I'll just rest my hands for a while then..

Reflect. =)

Conversion to Light

Infinite darkness will succumb by a ray of light. Light shows as hope. Hope brings faith.. Faith becomes Love. Weird logic right? I can't imagine I always think that all the time but maybe it's not going inside me. Deeply.

For sure, I should be mature enough but it's just, the hardest obstacles are now here. I need maybe more than those values I mentioned above. Or even sheer will. Or motivational speeches. Or even great readings. 

I know why I'm like this, damn age. I'm becoming more bitter and most of all, envy which I don't really feel before. As you age, wisdom becomes a lot yet, some dark force also grows. Going from the past, or worse, regrets. I know and admit I haven't reach a lot after a decade from graduation, and add to that pressure from my home, I don't know what to do. I also thought, better end up dead. 

But as years goes by, a mysterious force or presence that always come to rescue me. It is always him. Jesus there to save me. Always. But I don't go further than that. Maybe I look back at him after he saves me, like those one of the lepers he healed. Out of the ten he healed, only one returned, the nine just left. I'm one of those who left. Yes, despite that gospel did not really say those nine are selfish, but of course, if you look at that context, well.. I understand that Jesus did not judge those nine, but when those nine left, I knew they felt the guilt of not being grateful or even thank Him. 

It also did not say if they converted as well. I always hear even straight from Him that after he forgives, he says sin no more. That second line really I fail.. It's simply convesion yet I fail. I failed many times. 

Now, I can do is different. Instead of focusing so much on every thought or action I do or even doing promises, what I do.. I'll do something else. What I will do are well.. First, do a lot of things. Maybe, I always think I'm sick which I'm not anymore. Do a lot of things, like what I'm doing now. Another, to refresh other people to refresh one's self. It's weird but despite, I'll get tired, I will do my best to focus maybe or even tiring help the people around me and others. Serving Him, at least paying back his love for me for all this time. I know that not even one person can pay him back what love he gave to us. 

Well, it's better to do it and I know he'll be fine with it up there. 

Now, despite I have an afraid heart, I should convert into a brave one. To embrace change, and most of all, optimistic despite odds. Despite doubt, and even defeat. Always look forward a new day ahead! Don't forget, of course, I have one beside, the one who keeps me going..

Till the end. Whether it's a success or failure. I know the best thing to do, is to give your best. Try as well..

I know this will be a long process of reconciliation, I admit it, going to conversion and the last thing, a bit easier than conversion.. 

Commission. I want to be at that state. =)

Reflecting into the Abyss

I don't know but I'm quite relieved and thought stupid within the course of the Holy Week. After such contemplating and stuff, I'm now in an abyss.. 

I'm in a state of confusion as some of my other matters settled. Maybe as I reach that position of making it through, I fall again into that abyss.. I don't know why is this happening or what. Maybe some things, old ways doesn't seems to go away. It's sad for me, and due to some pressures I face, I'm kinda down at moment. 

Anyway, I admit, those old ways, darn JAV.. Can't get over that addiction. Despite it's one of the reasons I love Nippon, it's still causing me such guilt and yes, into sin. I don't know what to do get over with it, even after Holy Week or maybe I'm sick or stressed out despite I had a great rest. Honestly, I'm really tired after those years of watching it but when that moment comes, I feel such satisfied. After that, yes, crappy feeling. 

Confusing isn't it? But after hearing that message for the past week.. I know that Jesus, has plans already. Even in this state, or before.. I believe in his words, he doesn't look at my past or even my sins. It means, he'll always be there. Always..

It's up to me, to go forward and be renewed. I don't know how or if that's is possible. But I should never doubt from this moment forward, what he can do for me. I'm anxious, or even paranoid, but what less support I got outside, of course people are getting busy left and right... Less comfort I can get from others at this point yet, well... I have no choice but for now, I know I might sound selfish or self contained.. It's time for me, to have courage and be renewed!

Conversion!

broken lines (collection 43)

Thy life pure of mysteries, whether it's for better or worse..
Cannot easily comprehend such events after it happened.
I wonder, why God let it happen? 
Despite such obedience and surrender to his will, events come and go.

Sometimes, I even challenged him to make things great or worst. 
But the greater mystery of his will, is God moves things to make everything in place.
Even I have reservations, or whirlwind of feelings going through..
In the end, what matters most is God's will.

Will of love, to nourish us  in times of trouble and despair!
Will of hope, to strengthen us after great failure!
Will of faith, to believe that God will make things brand new!
These are gifts that sometimes we don't cherish.

Gifts that were given at the start of our lives.
It is our duty to make them understand as we get older or enlighthen in this life. 
Events, decisions and circumstances will unravel this will, thy great will..
Sometimes, we feel unworthy, or ashamed due to our weaknesses. 

However, thy God still loves us by sending his fullness of love, his son, Jesus.
With the fullness of the Spirit, he delivered what has been planned long before..
God's will to be felt to all of us, and Jesus sacrificed his life to redeem us from damnation.

I truly now understand after all these things happened and revealed.
It is only the matter of choice between how we make things better or worse..
Thy goals can't be done alone, or with a help from each other..
We start, by getting inspiration, a source of strength from the highest above.

With a promise of eternal great salvation to all!