Conversion to Light

Infinite darkness will succumb by a ray of light. Light shows as hope. Hope brings faith.. Faith becomes Love. Weird logic right? I can't imagine I always think that all the time but maybe it's not going inside me. Deeply.

For sure, I should be mature enough but it's just, the hardest obstacles are now here. I need maybe more than those values I mentioned above. Or even sheer will. Or motivational speeches. Or even great readings. 

I know why I'm like this, damn age. I'm becoming more bitter and most of all, envy which I don't really feel before. As you age, wisdom becomes a lot yet, some dark force also grows. Going from the past, or worse, regrets. I know and admit I haven't reach a lot after a decade from graduation, and add to that pressure from my home, I don't know what to do. I also thought, better end up dead. 

But as years goes by, a mysterious force or presence that always come to rescue me. It is always him. Jesus there to save me. Always. But I don't go further than that. Maybe I look back at him after he saves me, like those one of the lepers he healed. Out of the ten he healed, only one returned, the nine just left. I'm one of those who left. Yes, despite that gospel did not really say those nine are selfish, but of course, if you look at that context, well.. I understand that Jesus did not judge those nine, but when those nine left, I knew they felt the guilt of not being grateful or even thank Him. 

It also did not say if they converted as well. I always hear even straight from Him that after he forgives, he says sin no more. That second line really I fail.. It's simply convesion yet I fail. I failed many times. 

Now, I can do is different. Instead of focusing so much on every thought or action I do or even doing promises, what I do.. I'll do something else. What I will do are well.. First, do a lot of things. Maybe, I always think I'm sick which I'm not anymore. Do a lot of things, like what I'm doing now. Another, to refresh other people to refresh one's self. It's weird but despite, I'll get tired, I will do my best to focus maybe or even tiring help the people around me and others. Serving Him, at least paying back his love for me for all this time. I know that not even one person can pay him back what love he gave to us. 

Well, it's better to do it and I know he'll be fine with it up there. 

Now, despite I have an afraid heart, I should convert into a brave one. To embrace change, and most of all, optimistic despite odds. Despite doubt, and even defeat. Always look forward a new day ahead! Don't forget, of course, I have one beside, the one who keeps me going..

Till the end. Whether it's a success or failure. I know the best thing to do, is to give your best. Try as well..

I know this will be a long process of reconciliation, I admit it, going to conversion and the last thing, a bit easier than conversion.. 

Commission. I want to be at that state. =)